things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
