I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
