there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
