I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
