I cannot find my penis.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
