I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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