I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
