omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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