Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
