I looked at my own cervix.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
