And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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