the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
