Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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