If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
