The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
