she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
