Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
