Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
