I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
