I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...