My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.