tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'