Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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