I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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