She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
