you have to choose: penises or morals?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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