A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
