I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
