My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
