wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i think i have two assholes
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
