So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
