She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
