It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
