My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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