I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
