I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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