apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Randomize
