he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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