I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
