maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
