It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
