No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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