Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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