last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
