Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
