i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
