In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
