I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
