go do what you do best...puke behind churches
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
