i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
