1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
