I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
