I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
