so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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