i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
