its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
