Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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