I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
