Need sex. Gaining weight.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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