Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
