Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
