just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
