so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm always down for nudity.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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