I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize