I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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