I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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