She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
