You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
